letting go

Letting go may sound like a passive and featless endeavor like bowing out gracefully while tipping your hat but it isn't that at all.  It's like running around with gum on your shoe shaking your foot wildly until the bone snaps and the gum is still there grinning like the devil.  It's like not thinking of a pink elephant when I'm whispering in your ear "pink elephant, pink elephant, pink elephant."  It's like an addiction so sickly stuck that you can't give up because you know nothing without it.  Letting go isn't easy at all and if you're not lucky you will fall mercy to it.. I have.  I think it starts with a lie and a trick and pulling the wool over your own eyes.  I know I'm happy without him and each time I let him back in it's harder and harder to "let go".  They shouldn't call it letting go... which entails a one handed simple movement of releasing something.  It has nothing to do with that and involves years of trained muscles and they trick you to your core.  They tell you that even if you let go you will feel the same.  That even if you let go nothing will change.. Letting go is always preceded by paralysis.  If you open your hand to find that nothing has fallen out it is because there has likely been nothing there.  Maybe you are like me and are holding on to nothing tangible and nothing but an idea.  Ideas don't cause happiness. substance does.  Quality.  I don't want to know him because I already do and the idea that is there can not be replaced.  If i have made a horrible mistake then God forgive me but I don't want to be punished any longer and I was SO HAPPY when I wasn't with him.  The thought of never finding a love like him is haunting me day and night but I have to fight for something real and not an idea I've built up in my head.  It is the hardest thing I'll ever go through and some may say it's hard to tell someone that you don't love them but it's harder to say "I love you but I can't be with you".  For the first time I am loving myself first and doing it on an ongoing basis and that is my daily goal.  The letting go will just have to follow.