Posts (page 2)

I Found a bird that made elliott smith look like a whiney little bitch....he crawled onto my hand and didnt even flinch.  Ive never experienced trust like that with stranger and the words we exchanged were at a low whisper and minimal.  It only took a second for him to hop on my shoulder and I carried the weight of his broken wings and broken legs and he trusted me all the way. 

Letting go may sound like a passive and featless endeavor like bowing out gracefully while tipping your hat but it isn't that at all.  It's like running around with gum on your shoe shaking your foot wildly until the bone snaps and the gum is still there grinning like the devil.  It's like not thinking of a pink elephant when I'm whispering in your ear "pink elephant, pink elephant, pink elephant."  It's like an addiction so sickly stuck that you can't give up because you know nothing without it.  Letting go isn't easy at all and if you're not lucky you will fall mercy to it.. I have.  I think it starts with a lie and a trick and pulling the wool over your own eyes.  I know I'm happy without him and each time I let him back in it's harder and harder to "let go".  They shouldn't call it letting go... which entails a one handed simple movement of releasing something.  It has nothing to do with that and involves years of trained muscles and they trick you to your core.  They tell you that even if you let go you will feel the same.  That even if you let go nothing will change.. Letting go is always preceded by paralysis.  If you open your hand to find that nothing has fallen out it is because there has likely been nothing there.  Maybe you are like me and are holding on to nothing tangible and nothing but an idea.  Ideas don't cause happiness. substance does.  Quality.  I don't want to know him because I already do and the idea that is there can not be replaced.  If i have made a horrible mistake then God forgive me but I don't want to be punished any longer and I was SO HAPPY when I wasn't with him.  The thought of never finding a love like him is haunting me day and night but I have to fight for something real and not an idea I've built up in my head.  It is the hardest thing I'll ever go through and some may say it's hard to tell someone that you don't love them but it's harder to say "I love you but I can't be with you".  For the first time I am loving myself first and doing it on an ongoing basis and that is my daily goal.  The letting go will just have to follow.

Letting go may sound like a passive and featless endeavor like bowing out gracefully while tipping your hat but it isn't that at all.  It's like running around with gum on your shoe shaking your foot wildly until the bone snaps and the gum is still there grinning like the devil.  It's like not thinking of a pink elephant when I'm whispering in your ear "pink elephant, pink elephant, pink elephant."  It's like an addiction so sickly stuck that you can't give up because you know nothing without it.  Letting go isn't easy at all and if you're not lucky you will fall mercy to it.. I have.  I think it starts with a lie and a trick and pulling the wool over your own eyes.  I know I'm happy without him and each time I let him back in it's harder and harder to "let go".  They shouldn't call it letting go... which entails a one handed simple movement of releasing something.  It has nothing to do with that and involves years of trained muscles and they trick you to your core.  They tell you that even if you let go you will feel the same.  That even if you let go nothing will change.. Letting go is always preceded by paralysis.  If you open your hand to find that nothing has fallen out it is because there has likely been nothing there.  Maybe you are like me and are holding on to nothing tangible and nothing but an idea.  Ideas don't cause happiness. substance does.  Quality.  I don't want to know him because I already do and the idea that is there can not be replaced.  If i have made a horrible mistake then God forgive me but I don't want to be punished any longer and I was SO HAPPY when I wasn't with him.  The thought of never finding a love like him is haunting me day and night but I have to fight for something real and not an idea I've built up in my head.  It is the hardest thing I'll ever go through and some may say it's hard to tell someone that you don't love them but it's harder to say "I love you but I can't be with you".  For the first time I am loving myself first and doing it on an ongoing basis and that is my daily goal.  The letting go will just have to follow.

im uneasy for sheezy and my reality was thrown upside down.  you are not a man with a heart full of love but you are a hunter who is down for the chase and a loaded gun is your weapon of choice.  You want me more when I have a voice and when I lose it you lose your interest.  I was right all along and my instincts are in tact and I once again believe in tit for tat.  You do not love me but love being on the run.. chasing the dollar bill on the end of a string is much more fun and stimulating than winning the lottery.  You can taste the catch and you prey on its weakness and once you catch it you want to free it.  It's a sick sorry game and I'm sorry to say it took me this long to learn the rules.... theyre memorized now and my days of acting a fool are over.  I'll cash in and walk away and throw my chips into the sea.. buried in memory of me and leaving my bad habits behind.

Im cutting my hair short against my will to spite you.  I'm cutting off my nose to spite my face and I'm cutting off my tongue in spite of my taste.  (I always had bad taste in guys).  No ones ever gonna love you like I do and that's not a good thing because I would have stuck around long after my body might last...  haunting you with my love like christmas past.  It's over bearing at best and suffocating at worst.  It's not enough to say you're my first because you came before anything and you never end; like pi. It's a theory only some can fathom and for everyone else it might as well be a lie...  THey haven't found an end in sight or a way of showing how far it stretches on and that may seem un real .. but even if you laid it out side by side foot for foot and inch by inch next to my love for you it would suddenly feel inadequate.  It's a burden I carry, it's a universe with an extra moon and I would willingly give it to a black hole if it had extra room.  

if happiness is a warm gun then ecstasy is a cold one.  Lately you slam 40 down in honor of the party scene.  It's a plug-and-chug and every one of you is passed out in the backyard like a thug.  You don't belong there and we both know it; it's a form of hiding best delivered by the lonely and even though I am I keep it to a minimum.  Cocking the gun used to be fun and now it's a form of torture... firing one off is all that I know of you and if I saw you on the street I would never even know it; you're a faceless creature and every feature I had memorized was only by hands in the dark.  I never learned braille but I sure learned your body and finger tips never forget.  It might be easy to walk right by you on the street when the sun is shining down but when the lights go out and I'm feeling my way it's the hardest part of my day to get through.  I burnt my finger tips off in memory of you and my nervous system shut down.  It is the best memory I have of you.

i miss him.  Is that weird?  I miss ceiling eyes and t shirts w/ a hole in them.  I miss tallness and laughter.

I have been warned 100 times about the politics that go along with being a public school teacher.  The negative politics, should I mention.  I have already seen some of it and experienced it but I feel it is maybe 1% of what is out there.  Why am I being a teacher?  It is not to have fun chit chatting in the staff room, though spending that time exchanging stories ideas and things that worked would be beneficial.  It is not so I can help spread the standards that  Ca officials think are the most important ones children need to learn, though some of them are important, some of them aren't.  Some of them are vague, half built and out of order.  Some of them are too drill and kill and no hands on.  But of course I will teach what I need to teach.  I am not doing it to prove that I can control a group of kids, or structure their minds.  I'm just doing it because I love children and think they deserve the best chance possible to grow up and learn in a hands on way.  They deserve to learn critical thinking and not be told what is what and who is who without letting them know there are several sides to every story (17 in fact.)  They deserve a low anxiety environment that feels like a family away from home and that is comfortable at the least.  I think they deserve to have a start that puts them at the top level of people for every area of life.  Sports, jobs, schools, being happy, being heard socially, emotionally, etc.  I think that I can give them this!  I mean, I know I can, and I will.  And I am willing to put up with the bull shit behind it in order to do so because they deserve it!  Kids have the purest hearts and are like a sponge waiting to soak up knowledge.  Have you been around kids lately?  They learn SOO FAST.  It is going to be hard because for every one Cynthia who gives me an erase that matches my shirt there is going to be 50 professors who ask me "you don't make a habit of late work, do you?"  But it is something that I have to hold on to.  Like, literally, figuratively, etc because I know I have a chance of not making it, and I need to say right now that I won't let that happen EVER.

i know ill never find it so what is it best to look for?  The perfect vision of myself will never come and I have to accept this.  I know where this goes and its a one way street, wanting more needing more.. never being good enough.  I should love my body for what it is an what it does.  but itd be nice to know someone thought it was beautifull

I want a skateboarding bike riding loud mouthed bafoon and I want him to love me and look at me like I'm amazing.  I want a ragged hair half shaven face blue eyed arian and I want him to be serious when he asks me out.  I want a laughing hyena who wears metal band shirts with holes in them but has a 4.0 and knows when it's time for business.  I want a sweating boy smelling skinned knee jock who knows that I rock and wants to come home for dinner.  I want a cool calm collected and perfected in his interests individual but when I walk by I want him to turn his head and forget what he was doing.  I want a money hating big hearted giving tree of a dude and I want him to give up his heart for me and I'll give it up for him.  I want an active outdoorsy but junk food loving bro who hates sublime but loves to chill and knows the beach is the best gift given to us.  I want a ceiling eyed smile stifling (even tho he sucks at it) procrastinator who lives for fun and knows that I'm a perfectionist and is fine with that.  I want a manmanman who will mow the lawn and take out the trash but know that next week we might reverse rolls.